Do I need to forgive?

Growing up I was always taught to “Forgive and forget,” but what if I didn’t want to? I tried to be a “good little girl” growing up, I really tried, but when was my breaking point?

I tried to forgive others, even if they didn’t deserve my forgiveness. I always did things that I was told to do without questioning why. I guess now I am finally questioning.

When people hurt and hurt me, I would always forgive them. Back in middle school, I had a few friends that used me. They lied to me, and they talked behind my back. Many times I found out about what they had done, and many times I had forgiven them. Why did I forgive them? Because I was told to forgive, growing up. I was told that it was the “proper thing to do,” and only mature people forgive.

I noticed that every time I forgave them, it would only hurt me more. More lies, more fights, more gossiping. It finally occurred to me that forgiving does not always work. In fact, if you put the feelings of others before yourself, you will end up hurting yourself more. I’m not ashamed to say that they did not deserve my forgiveness. It seemed as though it was expected of me to forgive. Forgiveness from me is a privilege. After learning that, I started to forgive people only when I wanted to. I didn’t need their negativity in my life, so why should I have to forgive? Because I was told to?

I have also heard the saying, “Forgive, but never forget.” That’s kind of an immature saying, because you forgive them, but you would still secretly hold a grudge if you remember what they did to hurt you.

In the end, I have learned a valuable lesson. I realized that I am not going to be nice just because I am told, forgive just because that is what is expected, or not do ___ because “it’s wrong.”

I’m tired of other people’s morals being shoved down my throat. I’m going to live the way I want to live, okay? You can live yours.

You might think I’m a real grouch in this post, but honestly, this was my breaking point. I don’t want to have to be nice. I will be nice when I want to. I don’t have to be mean either.

I hope somebody out there agrees, because it seems like I’m the only one with these thoughts nowadays.

Thank you for reading.

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Maritza's Thoughts

I have always enjoyed the art of writing and language. That is why I decided to start this blog. I write about my thoughts, veganism, and mindfulness. I hope you enjoy my blog.

11 thoughts on “Do I need to forgive?”

  1. I’ve heard a whole bunch of libertarians who feel this way. You should be a libertarian. You remind me so much of Ayn Rand. You totally believe in freedom, and government coercion destroys freedom. Why would you support it?

    I warn people, and then I leave them if possible, and fight back if leaving is not possible. I still love that person and forgive them, but I don’t put up with them attacking me. No shoving down your throat. You can block me if you want. It’s simple.

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    1. My father is a libertarian. I am definitely not. I’m not some freak who hates the government… (no offense) I do believe in freedom, but with restrictions.

      You’re very different than me. If somebody killed one of my family members, I would never forgive them. Not even if they were sorry afterwards. I can block you, but why should I? You’re the one wasting your time because your views are the exact opposite. I think the only thing we agree on is veganism, and you don’t even fully agree. Once again, if you want to chat, I have the discussion page.

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  2. There are blogs of mine that really relate to this – that might help you. (The Friendship Break Up, Some Girls Are, Did You know? Just Listen and Clean, in particular.) You don’t have to read them but it’s exactly what you’re talking about, really.
    If you don’t want to/have the time to read all those blogs, I’ll do a quick summation: basically, I got really, really sick. In some ways, I’m still sick. I still have bad days. I still have countless doctor’s tests and appointments and there’s always something wrong, something that doesn’t quite fit. Anyway, two girls who I was close with – one who I was extremely close with – decided they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. They ghosted me out; but before that, they ‘gaslighted’ me (posts I’ll actually right about). Combined with my illness, and the effects of gaslighting, I became incredibly depressed and anxious. It’s taken almost two years to properly recover from everything they did. (It’s a bit more complicated than that, but I’m trying to keep the comment shortish!)
    Anyway, I realised (only very recently) that forgiving was for me. It wasn’t that I forgave them, necessarily. If they called me up and apologised today, I’m not sure what I’d do. I might listen, to finally know why they did what they did. I might just hang up.
    Regardless of what I’d choose, I’d never want either of them back in my life. They were horrible. They were cruel. They spread lies, and they told me lies. They pretended to be my friend, and they weren’t. So in that sense, I will never, ever forgive them.
    However, holding onto that pain, that anger, that anxiety, was killing me. So I had to let it go – to forgive what had happened – even if I didn’t forgive them.
    Does that make sense? (In “Just Listen” I talk about the forgiving and the forgetting – how I confused the two and it led to a small break down …. kind of like you were talking about in your post, minus the break down, obv.)
    So yeah, I don’t think you should forgive those people. That doesn’t make you immature. But I think, eventually (when you are ready), you need to “forgive” in the sense that you are ready to move on.
    Some things can’t be forgiven. And no one should make you feel otherwise. It sounds like they are toxic people – which is not something you need in your life.
    I hope that helps!

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    1. I see what you mean, and I have heard that argument before. It’s kind of hard to explain because I’m not like most people. If I don’t want to forgive someone, I never hold a grudge. I am Buddhist so I literally forget about everything meaningless like those people. Forgiving is not the same thing as moving on. I have moved on a long time ago. That doesn’t mean I forgave them, if that makes sense? The philosophy that I follow talks about not holding on to negative feelings. I just don’t want forgiveness garbage shoved down my throat, like I am supposed to. Thank you for your comment!

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      1. Yeah that makes plenty of sense! I guess that’s what I meant, in a way, too – you just explained it better. Forgiveness and moving on is not the same. I love it! I think that’s what I always meant, I just didn’t know how to explain it until this moment! Thank you!

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  3. I also got told to forgive forgive forgive when I was a child. It didn’t serve me well, just made it easier for people to walk all over me.

    Nowadays I really don’t care about apologies or forgiveness or whatever. What I care about is whether the person who hurt me is going to hurt me again, or whether they’ve learned to act better since then. An apology is worthless if the person is just going to do the same thing again. But if that apology is part of a sincere effort to not do the same thing again, and I’m willing to give them another chance, then I suppose that looks similar to forgiveness.

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